pookykabuki: (Default)
So I realized right now that work makes me feel like crap. I don't even know why. I'm a fairly good worker (follows the rules, doesn't gossip, works pretty hard) and I get along with my co-workers and customers are pretty decent...

...but work makes me feel like such crap. That's the best way I can put it. When I woke up to open the store this morning, I just sat down on my bed and started crying. Ever since I got home, I've been just wanting to collapse and not do anything - school, family, anything. 

And the job isn't bad or anything. The employer treats us pretty well, and my manager tries to take into consideration my school - she doesn't give me two shifts in a row during the week, and doesn't make me work past ten.

But work leaves me exhausted in every way. I use all my energy and happiness to make the customers as happy as possible. I use all my patience and control to just go with the flow, so that I don't panic when a freaking Greyhound bus drives up in front of our dinky sandwich stop. So that I don't panic when two people call in sick or just quit, and we were already understaffed as it were. So that I don't snap when a supervisor or colleague does something contradictory or irritating, or if I'm just cranky. I do my very best to make sure our owner makes money, because when they make money, everyone's doing well.

But when I finally leave, it just...it just kind of leaves everything else running on an empty tank. I don't even know how to describe it, because I love having a job, and considering all the horror stories I've heard, it's pretty good, especially since they hired a teenager with no experience.

In fact, there seems to be no direct cause - no one's being rude or mean, or causing me direct hurt or stress, but just working an eight hour shift from seven in the morning leaves me...crying and tired and not wanting to face anything.

I wonder if this is what the rest of life will be like. I don't mean that in a bitter or apathetic way. Do all jobs leave you like this? Or will the difference between a job and a career really make a difference? I want to know so I can prepare myself, because I can't keep going on like this. I need to find an alternative source of energy or something, because this just leaves me miserable and leaning towards old habits, and that is the suckiest of suck.

I slept for four  hours today after work, and I'm still exhausted. I don't even understand why. 

Well, I'm so becoming a doctor.
pookykabuki: (Default)
I felt rather sad today (different kind of sad, anyway) and I had to sit and figure out why, and I totally did. Thumbs WAY up for me.

Anyway, the reason was Japan. Sounds really stupid, but it was. I had been watching a special on Japan and suddenly, I felt very...unhappy. With an ache.

And then I realized how much I want to go to Japan. I love everything about it. I love its weird, gender-role culture with way too many problems for its own good. I love the crammed cities, the tiny apartments, the $8 coffees. I want to be stuck on a subway, crowded with bald commuters and horny schoolchildren. I want to live in a tiny apartment and barely make rent. I want to walk around, confused about where the hell I am because there aren't any street signs. I want to go to Oosaka and laugh at the accents, and then I want to go to Hokkaido and laugh at the accents more. I want to go where it snows and sit there in peace. I want to go to Hatsumode in the New Year, and visit the temples and make wishes for a prosperous new year. I want to go to school, and struggle with the language, and conquer all odds. I want to make Japanese friends, and go eat real sushi, and go to gaijin restaurants that can't cook a steak properly. I want to have people laugh at me because I have a CRT TV and a cellphone without a camera. I want them to gasp in awe after I go to Tokyo electronics tradeshow and come back with a cellphone that can make my breakfast. I want to eat rice eight times a week, and love it. I want to make my own Japanese puns, and have old ladies giggle over it. I want to wander around grocery stores, hoping that I didn't just buy octopus. I want to ride the bullet trains. I want to get a paycheck in yen. I want to buy weird-coloured sneakers. I want to walk around late and night, and see the city alive. I want to go to live-action concerts, with desperate J-Pop boys trying to make it in the business. I want to send everyone I know cute little gifts with amazing practical purposes. I want to wear yukata during the summer festivals. I want a shy, Japanese boyfriend with creepy liking of tentacle porn. I want female Japanese friends who laugh at my Canadian accent. I want to impress all Canadian-goers with my (seemingly) amazing nihongo. I want to teach schoolchildren every single damn grammatical rule that the idiots around me currently are screwing up. I want to tutor high school students so that they ace every entrance exam, and have grateful parents thank me, because they sure paid lots to get into that school! I want to go to museums and exhibitions and aquariums and zoos, and see what's different and what's the same. I want to collapse on my tiny futon in my tiny room with my tiny ofuro, and fall asleep to the din of trains and cars and squealing club-goers.

I really want to be in Japan.

And that's why I was sad. Because it might be years before I can board that plane to the place I long for. And what if it doesn't happen? I might spend eight years in university, only to find out that I can't be a doctor in Japan unless I trained there. Or maybe their economy will die, and my dad will convince me that I'll never be able to live a secure life there, and to stay in healthy, prosperous Canada.

I don't know. I've never been to Japan. And somehow, I miss it so much.

I'm going to get my iced tea, and go to bed.

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pookykabuki

February 2011

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